updates and miscellaneous thoughts

Hi Everyone, sorry for the hiatus. I've been severely reprimanded, and will try to be better about updating in the future. Part of the reason that the blog hasn't been updated in a while is because we've been crazy busy. Jon began his new job, we've gone on several little excursions, and we've finally made time to visit with a bunch of our friends.

In the past two weeks, we've gotten to see Tamara, Tina, Katie, Rory and Anthony, Julie and Ross, Jon's family, and Jayme's family. We're looking forward to visits with Leah, Nancy and Makena, and Katie, Ben, and Allison.
This week, we'll be going to the allergist to (hopefully) determine once and for all whether the twins have a milk allergy. We're also starting the process of evaluation by the early intervention team. I don't think that Iz or Elijah will qualify for any services at this point, but I want to get a baseline developmental evaluation, and ask the experts for some suggestions on fostering language acquisition and building general motor skills.

On Saturday, our homestudy agency has asked us to speak at a general informational meeting for families interested in starting the adoption process. We will be the international adoption representatives, and I'm really excited to talk about our experience.

I've been reading and thinking more and more about ethical adoption practices and adoption reform. There have been several discussions recently about what to call our children's Ethiopian family. Personally, my view of family is probably much more broad and inclusive than many other peoples'. I have never felt threatened by the fact that my children have a history and a family that extends beyond what I know of them. Although their Ethiopian family was no longer able to care for Tsege and Geremu, there is no doubt in my mind that their love for the twins transcends the physical, geographical, and social boundaries between us. They are now and will always be an extension of our family. And I honestly don't find it odd that our children have multiple parents. That's just their truth.

There has also been a lot of talk about the idea of being "second choice" as families for our children. These are some of the thoughts that I shared about this topic on our agency's forum:

I believe that in an ideal world there would be no *need* for adoption. That those who want to be parents could do so, and that everyone who finds themselves expecting a child would have the means, ability, and desire to parent that child. Ultimately, though, I believe that although adoption *may* not have been the ideal choice for any of the people in the adoption triad, the fact remains that there will always be people who are unable or unwilling to parent the children born to them, and there will always be people who long to parent a child who may not have that opportunity without adoption. So with that in mind, it becomes our obligation to think critically about what sorts of adoptions will be in the best interests of each member of the adoption triad.

Personally, I don't think we're the second choice in terms of "ideal" placement of Ethiopian children. I think we're more like the fourth or fifth best possible option.

1. Being the ability to stay in a "healthy" family of origin who chooses to parent the child(ren),
2. Being parented by relatives who choose to take on that responsibility,
3. Being parented by a family within the child's ethnic community of origin,
4. Being internationally adopted (either into a family of the same race, or transracially).

Each of these categories, of course, are completely based on the unique circumstances of each family, so cut and dried comparisons are truly impossible. For instance, I would never want a child to remain in a family situation that was abusive or neglectful. These categories only exist in my mind as ideals, and unfortunately the world we live in is far from perfect.

Owning up to all of that means having to confront the hard realities that our children's family of origin, community of origin, and country of origin were unable (for a variety of reasons both personal, political, and economic) to parent them. It also requires us to admit that our motivations for adopting are, at core, selfish.

There is no "saving the children". Though I will concede that international transracial adoption will provide my children with access to different opportunities (i.e. greater access to higher quality healthcare, broader educational opportunities, etc), they will also lose out on several important and wonderful aspects of the Ethiopian culture that they were born into. As much as we may try to connect ourselves to the local Ethiopian community and incorporate that culture into our lives, much of it will be lost, and I grieve that loss.

There was a fantastic discussion about this topic on the blog "thirdmom" several months back. The original post, as well as several of the commenters' follow ups on their own blogs, were thought provoking to say the least.

http://thirdmom.blogspot.com/2007/02/unranked.html

I think it's also important to remember that the idea of being "second choice" goes both ways. This is a link to an emotional and eloquent blog entry written by an adult adoptee from Korea about being her parents' second choice. While I understand that this is not everyone's experience, I am so grateful for the opportunity to listen to the perspectives of those who have gone before us.

http://heartmindandseoul.typepad.com/weblog/2007/03/the_runnerup_is.html

I think that my husband and I can admit that our desire to adopt was entirely motivated by our self-interest in building a family (and we have not been impacted by infertility, so I certainly wouldn't presume to speak to that). In our case, and in our children's case, adoption was the best option in a world of imperfect ones.

Knowing that would be the case, we consciously chose to adopt through a reputable agency and a country whom we feel does as much as possible to ensure that adoption is the last option. We are excited that there seems to be more outreach and support for families who would choose to parent their children if not for poverty or disease.

I think it is our obligation to continue to be advocates for ethical adoption practices.

The conditions under which our families came together in no way negates or undermines the strength of the resulting relationships. In fact, I think it's a beautiful testimony to the resiliency of the human spirit that such boundless love can rise out of such tragic loss.

Our children really haven't had any "choice" in these adoptions, so perhaps using the term "choice" is unfair and a bit misleading. After all, how can someone choose what they do not know? And, if given the choice with the benefit of hindsight, I truly believe that many adult adoptees would choose their adoptive families.

In the end, I honestly don't think it matters whether I was the first, fifth, or 100th choice of family for my children initially. Only that when they are capable of making their own choices, that they would still choose to have me in their lives.

I do, however, think that the idea of first, second, third, etc., choices should be taken into consideration when crafting ethical adoption policy.