something upbeat

In order to give proper attention to both sides of the great adoption debate, I wanted to post this list written by an incredibly articulate, insightful adult Korean Adoptee and originally posted on our agency's Korean message board. (I really hope it's okay to repost this -- I just think what the author has said bears critical importance for how we should aspire to raise our children.)

Things My Parents Did Right
I have thoroughly enjoyed the issues this board has been able to address in the past several weeks. I realize, however, that much of the material is not only intense and thought provoking, but can also be a bit daunting to many, no matter what part of the process they are in.

In that light, I would like to offer my own personal list of what I feel are things my parents did right. I have been blessed with exceptional parents. There are too many “positives” to list here. No life is perfect; no relationship is without it's trials and tribulations, and mine with my parents is no exception. Recognizing, honoring and loving my adoptive parents in no way diminishes or devalues the love, honor and respect I have for my birth parents or my birth country. I cannot change my past. I would not even if I could. While the deepest part of me hopes to some day meet my birth mother and birth father, that same part of me holds the deepest love for the people who I simply know as: my parents.

The things my parents did RIGHT (pertaining to adoption):

*At all times, they answered my questions honestly and directly; even if it was something I didn’t necessarily want to hear

*They encouraged me to take ownership and to share my own story, on my own terms, with others, at my discretion

*They made abundantly clear that all of the teasing, ethnic & racist jokes, and slanders against me said nothing about me and volumes about the character of the person who said it

*Assertively, sometimes aggressively, but always respectfully, reminded those who challenged my belonging, asked invasive questions or were just plain rude, that I was their daughter and always would be their daughter and that was all they needed to know!

*They shared joyously and often the journey of how I came to join their family. I still love seeing my referral picture, the photo with my escort, the photos of my parents first holding me, my pre-flight report, hearing about what they were doing the minute they got “the call” and reading all of the other paperwork in my file.

*Never played the "adoption" card. By this, I mean, never did they expect me to be any more grateful or appreciative than my brothers were, of what I had in life, simply because I was adopted.

*Introduced me to others as "This is our daughter, Paula." Not, "Our daughter, Paula, who is adopted from Korea."

*Respected my rights as a person with her own voice, regardless of gender, race or how I came to be their child

*Disciplined me in the same, consistent manner as they did with my brothers

*Gave me the choice of how I wanted, or didn’t want to celebrate or honor my heritage. My dad learned conversational Korean; both of my parents went to great lengths to offer me any and all opportunities (though I'm not sure they knew about Korean Culture Camp, or if it even existed back then) they could to help me learn about my culture. For many years I didn’t want anything to do with it. They listened to this and respected my wishes.

*Didn't single me out as one who would enjoy looking at Korean books, artifacts, movies, newspaper articles, etc. just because I was Korean. If there was something of interest related to my culture, the whole family learned about it, not just me.

*Never tried to pretend or imagine what I was feeling as an adopted person

*Recognized and shared that being a family built through adoption could at times be challenging for them, too. Asked for my input reguarly.

*We engaged regularly in discussions about racism, stereotypes, the challenges of being the only girl of color in my class, and one of few in my school.

*Made me feel wanted, needed and appreciated for talents, quirks and gifts that were inherently my own.

*Made abundantly clear that I was their daughter forever, no matter what. Nothing, and no one, would ever, ever be able to change that. And if given the chance, they would adopt me a million times over again.

Thank you for listening. I hope we can continue our conversations!