Attachment

I think attachment is something that most adoptive families have to work through. In our pre-adoption classes, the issue is presented to us from a worst case scenario point of view. And although some adopted children do have an extremely hard time with the transition into a new family, I believe that challenges with attachment can take many forms. I want to share our story with the hope that others might learn something from our experience.

When we first met Elijah, we walked into a room where 6-8 children sat playing. All of the children stopped what they were doing when we entered the room, and stated at us expectantly. When Geremu realized that we were looking at him, he burst into tears and sobbed hysterically, reaching for his nannies with such an intense pleading in his eyes that it just gutted me. He cried for our entire visit until he completely shut down and fell asleep. (Tsege was sleeping during this time, but was happy and engaging, playing games and making eye contact from the first moment we met her.)

Throughout our week in Ethiopia, we noticed subtle, gradual changes in Geremu's reaction to us. The second day wasn't much better than the first (still cried a lot, and ultimately fell asleep) but there were brief glimpses of the silly, happy child underneath all of his grief, fear, and sadness. We allowed for a relatively slow transition into our care. We wanted to give the twins ample time to get to know us, and when we finally did take over their care, we wanted to do so completely so that they weren't shuffled back and forth between the care center and us. By the time we brought them back to the guesthouse to stay with us, we had noticed that they were already showing a slight preference for us to meet their immediate needs.

Once we arrived home, I began to notice little things: while Izzie smiled and laughed easily, Elijah almost never did. While he would allow us to feed, change, pick him up, and even play with him, he did not actively reach for us when he needed comfort. And eye contact was a real challenge. That came much, much later, and we did not force the issue.

Even with all of these little things I noticed, I genuinely felt that the transition was going well, and I didn't really realize that Elijah was probably struggling with attachment issues. His behaviour was so subtle and we were only just getting to know each other, so those "little things" were relatively easy to overlook. It's only in hindsight, when I compare how he is now to how he was then, that I am able to see some pretty big distinctions.

It was a good couple of months before I first heard his laugh. I was playing with him, tickling his neck, and suddenly this deep belly laugh unfurled. To this day, that laugh is the purest, most beautiful sound I've ever heard. These days, I'm fortunate enough to hear that laugh several times per day (usually when the twins are getting into something they're not supposed to).

Now, over a year later, both kids seem pretty well adjusted and securely attached (though once again I may feel differently in hindsight). They both seek me and Jon out when something is wrong, and while they don't often show shyness or avoidance when meeting new people, they do make sure that we're nearby. Elijah is still my sensitive child, and he cries relatively easily, but can usually be comforted within seconds. He has also demonstrated a deep sense of empathy for others -- far beyond what I ever could have imagined a (not even) two year old would be capable of.

Through our experience, and through hearing the accounts of others' experiences, I've come to realize that attachment is an ongoing issue which will be tested over and over throughout the course of our relationship. I feel very strongly that the parents' reactions to things can either foster or thwart healthy attachments. For example, a parent who doesn't allow their child to learn that people other than him/herself are trustworthy runs the risk of creating a co-dependent, insecurely attached child. That will most certainly lead to trouble down the road.

Kids are much more savvy than we give them credit for, and they pick up on a lot of our cues, whether those cues are intended or not. We lead by example. We all want our kids to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted. Knowing how to look for signs that something is amiss will hopefully make it easier for parents to respond to their child's unique needs and challenges.